Falling Never Hurt So Much
by ParadiseAly
Summary: Lisa Handler was an average girl until she met Casey. Casey was in a band called Hawthorne Heights, they already had a record deal and were going to tour after graduating. They chose Lisa to be their tour manager. Can she deal with the drama?
1. Sound Check

"Lisa!" I turned away from the window towards the back lounge where Casey was calling for me.

"Yeah?" I yelled as we bounced over bumps in the road. Life on a bus was never gentle.

"Come back here for a sec." TJ yelled.

"Coming!" I sighed and stood up.

I walked back slowly holding onto walls and furniture for support.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"Do you know what time sound check is today?" Eron looked up at me.

"You guys are the ones playing the show and you don't even know when you have to sound check?" I laughed.

Not only was I their best friend and Casey's girlfriend, I was Hawthorne Heights tour manager.

"Sound check will be at 5:30 and you guys will go on at 6:00 sharp. Got it?" I said.

"Cool." They chorused.

I walked back to the front and continued staring out the window until we arrived at the venue.

BEEP! BEEP! My cell started ringing and I checked the screen.

I had a text from my old friend Sarah.

I opened it and started reading.

_Lisa Handler, why the heck haven't you called? Gosh, I thought for sure you were dead or something! Haha, but anyways, whenever you get this, text back, or call, whatever. Just respond! -Sarah_

_Sent at 12:04 Friday, November 22, 2007_

I laughed and hit "reply" and "call."

Sarah picked up on the first ring.

"Never scare me like that again!" She said.

"Sorry, I've been busy with the tour and making sure that Casey and the guys never get too wasted. When you're playing shows every other night you need to remain relatively sober." I told her.

"Oh, well now I know you're alive so I gotta go, see ya!" And with that she hung up.

"Okay," I mumbled and snapped my phone shut.

I closed my eyes and when I opened them the bus had stopped and I was no longer sitting by the window.

I was now lying in bed with Casey's arm around me.

"Oh, hi." I smiled and looked up at him.

"How you feel?"Casey asked.

"Fine, why?" I raised my eyebrows.

"When you fell asleep you fell out of the chair and hit your head." He laughed.

"Oh, ow." I said, now feeling some pain in the right side of my head.

"That's what I thought." He smiled.

I leaned in and kissed him. Casey pulled the curtain shut and kissed me back.

We laid there kissing each other until TJ yelled that it was 5:00 and we needed to set up.

"Grrr." I growled shooting death rays towards the bathroom where TJ was brushing his teeth.

"We'll have time later." Casey kissed the tip of my nose and opened the curtain.

He stepped out and then lifted me up into his arms.

"What are you doing?" I giggled.

"Carrying you into the venue." He kicked the door opened and jumped into the cold wintery night.

It wasn't very cold, or maybe I just felt warm because I was with Casey, or it could've been my cashmere sweater, or a combination of the two.

"Casey Calvert, you are the silliest boy in the world." I laughed.

"You still love me." He kissed my forehead.

"That's true." I swatted my black bangs out of my eyes.

"Why'd you do that? You look pretty when your hair covers your eyes." He sat down on a small park bench.

"It was bothering me." I fussed with my bangs until the covered my eye but I could still see clearly.

Casey kissed me again and I smiled.

"PDA Alert! PDA Alert!" Mcah and Matt started yelling.

I blushed and hung my head.

"Shut up! Guys, you're embarassing her!" Casey shouted with a smile on his face.

"I'm not embarassed!" I lied and smacked his arm.

"Right." He kissed my red cheeks.

I blushed harder.

"Let's go!" Casey smiled and picked me up again.

Casey walked us into the venue and I gasped. The place was beautiful. Better than the pictures. I looked up at the high royal looking ceilings.

"Wow." We all said.

Casey stood me on my feet and I wrapped my arm around his waist and he wrapped his arm around my shoulders.

It took maybe 15 minutes to set up and sound check and then we were ready. We had gotten done early and still had 30 minutes before showtime.

I saw a few people who worked at the venue arguing and ran backstage to check on the problem.

"Wait!" Casey grabbed my wrist.

I winced in pain, the scars still hurt.

"What's wrong?" He siad, noticed the pain on my face.

"Nothing." I shook my arm so that my sleeve was covering my wrist.

He grabbed my hand and gently pulled my sleeve back, I didn't fight it.

"Lisa, baby, why?" He murmered, trying to count the scars.

"I don't know." I let a tear slide down my cheek.

"Shh, don't cry." He pulled me into his chest and held me close. "It'll get better, I promise."

"I'm fine, I'm fine." I wiped my hand across my face, removing the rest of my tears.

"Go play an awesome show for me. Alright?" I smiled.

"For you, just for you!" He kissed me one final time before grabbing his guitar and walking on stage with the rest of the guys.

The screams were so loud and almost unreal. So many people loved them, and they loved the fans right back.

"Hey, everybody, we're Hawthorne Heights and we are so happy to be here tonight!" Casey said into the microphone.

The show was short, a 14 song set, nothing big.

But when the guys stepped off-stage they were sweating like crazy and looked half dead.

"You don't have to work this hard every night, guys. Get these guys some Red Bull, I yelled to the bartender. "You have that right?"

She nodded and pulled out six cans. I gave one to each of the guys and took one for myself.

"To music!" I toasted.

"To music!" They hit their cans to mine.

We finished the Red Bull and got back on the bus after they signed some stuff.

Casey and I got into the bunk we shared and he fell asleep quickly.

I thought about how he promised everything would get better.

I smiled and fell into a deep sleep. But something in the pit of my stomach was telling me that something was wrong.


	2. Nightmares

I woke up with a minor headache and I was cold, freezing really.

"Casey," I mumbled, rolling over.

I was in bed alone.

I got out of the bunk and looked at the clock. It read 3:52 p.m. What? Did I really sleep that long?

I shook my head and got dressed. I put on black skinny jeans, a dark purple long sleeve t-shirt, and black high-top converse.

I was lacing my shoes when I heard my phone ringing. I picked it up off the table and looked at the caller ID. Casey.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Hey, I'm sorry I left you alone on the bus." Casey said.

"It's okay. I just woke up." I yawned.

"Oh, well what are you doing?" He asked.

"Lacing my shoes."

"Okay, when you get done come outside. We need you out back."

"Out back where?"

"The bus. The barbeque is tonight."

"Oh, shit, I totally forgot. Okay, I'll be right there. I love you." I hung up the phone and sprinted to the back of the bus.

"Hey, there you are!" Casey yelled, pulling me into his arms.

"What's goin' on?" I asked catching my breath.

"We have nothing to barbeque with."

"What do you mean?" I raised my eyebrows.

"There's no wood for a fire, or charcoal for the grill, and no one likes gas grills." Casey rambled.

"Shit! Wait, there's gotta be a gas station somewhere." I offered.

"Uh, I think there was one just a couple hundred yards back." Micah said pointing back the way we had came.

"Cool." I ran onto the bus and grabbed my purse.

"I'm going with you." Casey followed me as I started walking to where TJ had told me to go.

"Oh, okay." I smiled.

He took my hand as we walked down the road looking for a gas station that sold firewood or charcoal.

"There!" I pointed over the trees to where you could see a huge sign that read "BIGMART!"

"Bigmart? Very sophisticated." Casey laughed.

"Shut up," I laughed and pulled him behind me as I ran.

We got to big mart and got a few cut up logs for wood and two bags of charcoal.

I paid the cashier and lifted the charcoal and Casey got the wood.

He seemed surprised that I could carry 100 pounds worth of charcoal.

It took a while but we got back to the bus and managed to get a fire going.

"Ugh!" I flopped down in a chair and leaned my head back. "I'm so tired."

Casey walked over to where I was sitting and picked me up.

"What're you doin'?" I managed to ask.

"Sitting." He said, pulling me onto his lap.

I cuddled into his chest and inhaled. He smelled so fucking good.

"Casey, I love you." I mumbled, drifting to sleep.

"I love you, too, Lisa, and I'm sorry." He whispered.

Sorry for what? I thought. He probably just meant because of all the tour drama. He knew I hated drama but he also knew that I loved being on tour with the guys, it was like an outlaw life, but cushier.

I sighed and let myself sleep.

I woke up less than ten minutes later, still sitting on Casey's lap.

"Hungry?" He asked.

I shook my head. I acted like I was never hungry when really I was starving.

It was Friday and I hadn't eaten since Wednesday, I felt dizzy and tired. It was just another day living with anorexia.

"Girl, you never eat. What is up with you?" Eron asked.

"I'm fine, really. Just tired I guess." I wasn't totally lying. "I'm going to bed."

"You want me to come?" Casey offered.

"Nah, do me a favor and keep these guys outta trouble." I smirked.

"Okay. Goodnight, baby, I love you." He kissed me briefly.

"Night! Love you, too." I walked on the bus and changed into my pajamas.

My nightwear consisted of a burnt orange tank top, matching sillk shorts, and knee high socks.

I plugged my earphones into my iPod and turned it on. I lay in the bunk blaring New Found Glory, and soon enough, I was in a calm, deep sleep.

_"I'm going to look for Casey." I told TJ as I stepped onto the bus. There was a look of fear on my face._

_"Well, he couldn't have gone far. It's only been a few hours." TJ assured me._

_I nodded and climbed the remaining steps. I didn't hear anyone and thought that Casey might've been sleeping._

_I looked in all of the bunks and he wasn't there._

_I sighed in frustration and continued searching for my "missing" boyfriend._

_"Casey!" I shouted as I stepped into the back lounge._

_I gasped when I saw him lying motionless on the floor. _

_"Casey!" I screamed and knelt beside him._

_I touched the side of his neck, he was cold, no pulse._

_"TJ, Micah, Matt, Eron, someone!" I shouted through my tears._

_The guys came running._

_TJ collapsed beside me and put an arm around my shoulders. The others sat on the floor behind us._

_I turned and leaned my head against TJ's shoulder._

_"He's gone." I whispered._

I woke up in a cold sweat and Casey was staring at me, looking terrified.

"Oh my god!" I said and threw myself at him, kissing him with everything in me.

He hesitated for a moment before kissing me back with almost as much passion.

Too soon he pulled away for air and I let out a sob.

"What is going on?" Casey asked.

"I had the worst, most terrifying dream ever." I cried.

"It's okay, baby, it was only dream." He assured me.

Then why did it seem so real? So vivid? I asked myself.

I shook my head and that set off the hunger pains and caused black spots to appear in my vision. I leaned my head back and the black cloud that lingered in the back of my head took over.

"I love you, Casey." Was the last thing I said before my eyelids slid shut.


	3. Finding Casey

I opened my eyes and saw a completely white room. I was in a hospital. Damn.

I looked around and saw Casey standing by the window, staring onto the street below.

"Hi." I whispered.

He turned around to look at me.

He looked terrible, like he hadn't slept for days. Knowing Casey, he probably hadn't.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"You starved yourself and passed out." He mumbled refusing to meet my eyes.

I didn't know what to say.

"Why do you do it?" Casey asked.

"Um, I don't know, really I don't. It's...It's like an 'addiction' I guess. I feel like I want to eat but my mind tells me not to. I'm physically hungry but mentally I'm not. It probably doesn't make sense to you but it's how I feel." I looked down at my hands.

"Anorexia." He stated.

I cringed at the word. He said it easily, I had the problem and I could hardly even think it, let alone actually say it. "Yeah."

"Why?" He finally looked me in the eye.

"Bacause I have to be perfect." I admitted.

"No, you don't, Lisa. No one is ever perfect, no matter how hard we try. But, you, Lisa, you're beautiful. You don't need to starve yourself." He shook his head.

"I know, but its really not this simple."

"I know, I know. But we'll get you fixed, I promise." He smiled lightly.

Fixed? I thought. Wow, I guess I really am broken.

"When do I get out of here?" I asked.

"Today, I guess, we just have to fill out paperwork. I should actually go do that." Casey kissed my forehead and walked out of the room.

I leaned my head back as the tears started pouring down my cheeks.

Why do I have to be such a fuck up? I asked myself. I mean goddamn, how many times do I have to fuck up before I end up dead?

"Ah, hell." I muttered.

"Okay, we're good to go." Matt said as he walked in.

"Oh, okay." I swung my legs over the side of the bed and hopped down.

I swayed a little bit before steadying myself.

I stood frowning, I had no clothes.

Matt most likely knew what I was thinking and he walked over to the closet across the room.

"Here." He held out a bag with some of my clothes in it.

"Thanks." I smiled, took the bag, and walked into the bathroom.

I pulled the huge hospital gown off and started to get dressed.

I put on one of my many pairs of skinny jeans and a black t-shirt that said "Nobody's Prefect."

I delved back into the back and pulled out a pair of black flats and slipped them on.

I put on black eyeliner and stepped out of the bathroom to find everyone standing by the door.

"Hey." I waved awkwardly.

"Let's go." Casey put an arm around my waist as we walked to the elevator.

When we reached the lobby and started walking towards the door I thought of something.

There was a show tonight. It was the 24th so the guys were playing the Chicago House of Blues.

"Show tonight, right?" I asked TJ.

"Yup. It's gonna be rad. Sound check is in about an hour." TJ said looking at his watch.

"Okay, well, can you guys do it without me tonight? I need rest."

"Lisa, we're big boys, we can take care of ourselves." He laughed.

"Says the boy who set a toaster on fire." I mumbled.

"Again, I say, it was an accident. Let it go." He said getting defensive.

"Dude, chill. I was joking." I yelled.

We got outside and as soon as we got on the bus I grabbed my switchblade and got in the shower.

I pulled the blade across my wrist, watching the blook turn the water pink. The water stung the cuts as I marred my skin beyond repair.

I knew I'd already been in too long so I shut off the water and stepped out.

I pressed a towel against my wrist to get it to stop bleeding. Finally it did and I got dressed before climbing into mine and Casey's bunk.

I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

I woke up a few hours later and got out of bed. It was 6:00 so the guys were playing in an hour. If I hurried up and got dressed I could make the show.

I stepped into the back lounge and saw a note lying on the table.

I picked it up and it read:

_Lisa, we went out to eat and then we're going to the venue. Casey said he would come back to get you and then you would both come find us. See you later, T._

I put the note back on the table and then went to see if Casey was back and I just didn't see him.

I wandered into the "living room" and saw Casey lying on his back in front of the couch.

There was an empty bottle of pills lying next him.

It was nightmare coming to life.

"Casey!" I screamed.

"No, no, no." I cried as I tried to find a pulse.

There wasn't one.

I pulled his phone of his pocket and dialed TJ's number.

"Hey, man, what's going on?" He answered.

"It's me, get to the bus, now. We have a problem." I said and hung up.

A few moments later the guys were climbing the front steps of the bus, just to find my sitting next to Casey's body.

"What happened?" They chorused.

I held the empty pill bottle out to TJ.

"Vikoden." He said throwing the bottle at the wall and starting to cry.

No one said anything, we didn't have to. We all knew what everyone was thinking, that was "He's gone."

**Sorry this chapter's so short, I've been suffering from major writer's block. I'll try to update again as soon as possible. :)**


	4. New Friends at The Supermarket

I dialed 911 with tears running down my cheeks, Casey was gone, we all knew it.

"Hell, this is 911 emergency. How may I help you?" Asked a kind voice.

"Um, my name is Lisa, I just found my boyfriend Casey, and I-" I broke off and let out a loud sob before continuing. "He's dead."

"Where are you?" She asked urgently.

"We're on the tour bus outside of the Chicago House of Blues." I said.

"Thank you, someone is on the way."

"Thanks." I mumbled and hung up the phone.

I stepped off the bus into the cold night.

It was freezing, 20 degrees at most.

I waited for what seemed like hours until finally I saw a cop car and ambulance pulling into the parking lot.

TJ and Matt carried Casey's body off the bus towards the ambulance and sat him on the stretched that was waiting.

I turned away and burried my face in Micah's shoulder. He rubbed soothing circles on my back.

"Miss? Can we speak to you please?" Asked a police officer.

I nodded and followed him back to his car.

"I have a few questions to ask you then we'll be out of your hair, alright?" He asked.

I only nodded, not trusting my own voice.

"You found Mr. Calvert, correct?"

"Yes."

"On that bus?"

"Yes, sir."

"Did you notice anything else, a possible sign of struggle?"

"There was an empty vikoden bottle lying next to him. I think he overdosed." I whispered.

"Was he prescribed them?"

"Yeah, he broke his arm a while back and it's for the pain. It would hurt him a lot after shows and stuff like that."

The cop continued to write down everything I told him. It took about 20 minutes and then he was done interrogating me.

I started walking aimlessly, not knowing where to go, what to do, I was just so confused.

I followed the road to a store and walked inside, the heat felt good on my cold skin.

I made my way towards that bathroom.

I quickly locked myself in an empty stall and pulled the nail clippers out of my pocket.

I twisted them open and clamped down on my skin. I smiled as I clamped down again, the pain was just too good. Again and again I kept clamping down on my wrists until I started feeling too weak to do anything. I leaned against the wall and decided to clean up and leave. If I was gone too long the guys would start freaking out looking for me.

I grabbed some toilet paper and wiped the blood off of my arms then pulled my sleeves back down. I prayed to God that the red wouldn't stain the blue cotton. I folded my arms across my chest and stepped out of the stall.

I checked that no one was in the bathroom and then locked the door, I just needed a few more minutes. I looked in mirror above the line of sinks. I looked like hell, my make-up was smeared, I was red and puffy, yet I looked so pale, so tired, broken.

I washed my face with cold water and unlocked the door.

I stepped out and nearly ran into some guy coming from the mens' bathroom.

"Oh, I'm sorry." The guy said, catching my shoulders so that I wouldn't fall.

"It was my fault, I should've been paying more attention. I'm sorry." I mumbled.

"Well, I'm Alex." He held out a hand and I shook it as I looked up at his face.

He had longish dark brown hair, brown eyes, and the cutest smile ever. He was hot, there was no denying it.

"I'm Lisa." I smiled.

What? I was smiling? But, what about Casey? I shouldn't be smiling at this guy, or thinking he was hot. I'd just lost my boyfriend who I'd been with for almost three years. What the hell was wrong with me?

"So, Lisa, tell me something. Why do you look so sad?" Alex asked.

"Um, it's a long story. I'd rather not talk about it if that's alright." I looked down at my wrists and noticed red starting to seep through the fabric.

Shit!

"What is that?" Alex asked, grabbing my arm and looking at the blood that spread through the thin layer of blue fabric.

"It's not important." I yanked my arm away and looked down again.

"Well, I think we can relate, I'm the same way." He rolled his sleeve back and held his arm out.

I looked at his wrist which was covered with dark red scars that looked just like mine.

"So, if you need to talk or something, here's my number." He pulled a small piece of paper out of his pocket and wrote his number down.

"Call sometime, I'd be happy to talk to you." He rolled his sleeve back down and walked away.

"I will." I whispered, he obviously heard because he looked back over his shoulder and winked.

What the hell is wrong with me? Oh, that's right, I'm stupid.


	5. Suicide Notes

"Dammit! Shit! I'm so stupid! What are you thinking? You idiot! Why do you do this?" I stared at my reflection as tears of anger and hatred poured down my cheeks.

I slammed my fist down on the bathroom sink, everything sitting on the counter crashed to the ground. I stopped crying as I looked at the mess I'd made.

It was a good thing that no one was on the bus by the time I got back or else this may have caused a few problems. They didn't like it when I would start to throw fits. But, I didn't throw them that often. Only when I was really pissed. This time, I was pissed at myself. I was such a fuck up.

I sighed and crouched down to pick up everything that I'd strewn across the floor.

I leaned around the corner of the sink to get my Victoria's Secret perfume and my razor when I saw a wadded up piece of notebook paper on the floor.

I picked it up and flattened it out before reading it.

_Lisa, I'm so sorry for this, but I have to do it. I feel like nothing is working out and I just can't handle it anymore. This isn't your fault. It's mine. I love you so much, baby, I'll miss you._

I knew right then what the paper was. I wanted to cry but I wouldn't, not until I was one hundred percent positive.

_TJ, dude, we had some good times but good times end and then come the bad times. I'm sorry and I love you, buddy._

_Micah, Matt, hell, you guys were amazing and I love the hell out of you. I'm really sorry. I'll miss you._

_Eron, you were my best friend. I told you everything and you listened and gave me advice. You were like my big brother. I love you, and I'm sorry. _

_I love you all, I'm sorry, and I'm gonna miss you. You might even miss me too. I wish I didn't have to do this, but I am. Goodbye._

It was a suicide note, from Casey. He'd written it but then chickened out on leaving it next to him for someone to find.

He never said what exactly made him want to do it and frankly, I had no idea. Casey always seemed so happy, energetic, like a litte puppy. He was my best friend and my first true love. But, now, he's gone, he'd turned a band of five into four.

I suddenly felt inspired, I wanted to write a song but I couldn't do it on my own, I needed TJ.

I pulled my phone out and dialed his number.

"Where the hell did you go? We've been looking for you." TJ scolded me as soon as he picked up.

"Well hello to you too. I walked to some store and then came back to the bus. I'm in the lounge now, you need to hurry up and get back here. I found something and I have an inspiration for a song." I said.

"Really? Um, okay, we'll be there in a minute." He said and told Matt what to do.

I heard the screech of tires and then a revving engine.

Well, why don't you just have fucking wreck, won't that be great? I thought.

"Be careful." I warned before hanging up.

I sat down on the couch and waited for the guys to get back. As I waited I began to cry, silently at first but as the seconds ticked by the sobs grew louder and louder until I was almost screaming.

I laid on my side, curled up in ball and cried my eyes out.

I heard the guys get back on the bus and suddenly TJ was sitting on the couch next to me. He held me until I cried myself out.

Micah rubbed gentle circles on my back while Matt and Eron sat in front of me, holding tissues and wiping tears off of my cheeks. I felt like a small child, being coddled and nurtured, it felt nice but also a little selfish. I wasn't the only one mourning.

I stopped crying and sat up.

"So, what did you have to show us?" TJ asked, handing me another tissue.

I pulled the crumpled note out of my pocket and handed it to him. "This."

He read it aloud before turning back to look at me.

"It was suicide?" He asked.

I nodded slowly, trying to hold back the tears that begged to come out.

They gasped before the tears really started coming.

"Where'd you find this?" Matt asked me.

"Bathroom floor, wadded up in a ball. He wrote it but then decided to try and hide it." I answered quietly.

"But, why would he do it?" Eron wondered.

The question hung in the air, no one answered, no one knew. We sat in silence as I started writing song lyrics in my head. This wasn't for me, or the band, it was for Casey.


	6. Song Lyrics and Phone Calls

"So, about that song you were talking about?" TJ asked as he poured a cup of coffee.

"You wanna do it now? It's four a.m. and none of us have slept." I raised my eyebrows.

"Would you rather forget it and then not have a song at all?" He countered.

"Right, well, I need some paper and and a pencil." I stated.

Matt handed me a notebook and pencil and I started writing the lyrics I'd come up with.

_And you will live on_

_Our hearts will beat stronger_

_As we remain as one_

_We will last just a little while longer_

_And as we pull ourselves together_

_We can't help but be torn apart_

_We will always have each other_

_Just like it was from the start_

_When five becomes four_

_And four becomes one_

_You're not just passing on_

_You're passing on all the fun we had_

_You made us laugh_

_We only cried but once_

_You made us laugh_

_In photographs_

_On display for everyone_

_The time has come now_

_And we must figure out_

_Driving north or going south_

_Growing up or falling down_

_And as we pull ourselves together_

_We cant help but be torn apart_

_And we will always have each other_

_Just like it was from the start_

_When five becomes four_

_And four becomes one_

_You're not just passing on_

_You're passing on all the fun we had_

_You made us laugh_

_We only cried but once_

_You made us laugh_

_In photographs_

_On display for everyone_

_When five becomes four_

_And four becomes one_

_You're not just passing on_

_You're passing on all the fun we had_

_You made us laugh_

_We only cried but once_

_You made us laugh_

_In photographs_

_On display for everyone_

_The time has come now_

_And we must figure out_

_Driving north or going south_

_Growing up or falling down_

I breathed out slowly as I put down the pencil and handed the notebook to TJ.

He sang the lyrics to the music he could "hear" in his head.

"Perfect." They all agreed.

"It's not much but it's just kind of, well, honestly I don't know what it is. It's how I feel, how I think you must feel, that kinda thing." I admitted.

"It's amazing, really." TJ said and the guys nodded.

"Thanks." I smiled. "Well, I'm gonna go to bed, I guess. I'm really tired."

I got up and hugged them before climbing into the bunk.

I snuggled into the sheets and inhaled deeply. You could still smell Casey's cologne. I automatically felt better but at the same time, I felt so much worse.

I woke up and I was honestly freezing. I could hardly feel my feet.

I stood up and walked into the living room where TJ was watching the news.

I sat down next to him and curled up under one of the many blankets we had on the bus.

We watched the news in silence. There had been a murder in Dayton, Ohio (our hometown.) I'd known the girl, not very well but she had been in my algebra and calculus classes. Her name was Eliza, she was nice, sometimes a little stuck-up, but nice enough.

I didn't really like her but I had nothing against her. I let a few tears slip out but I was fine.

Without saying anything, I stood up, got dressed, and walked off the bus.

TJ called after me but I just kept walking. I needed to get away for a while.

I started walking to the same store where I'd met Alex.

Once I got inside I pulled out my phone and the paper he'd given me.

I dialed his number and he picked up on the third ring.

"Hello?" I heard his smooth voice and smiled softly.

"Alex? Hey, it's, it's me, Lisa. Do you wanna hang out for a while?" I asked.

"Oh, hi Lisa! Um, I guess. Where are you staying? I'll come pick you up." He offered.

"Can you just meet me at the Starbucks next to that one store? The one where we met."

"Sure, see you in a few." He said and I swear I could hear his smile.

"Awesome, I can't wait." I gushed and ran outside.

Wow, I am such a stupid whore.

**(Oh, and I can't take credit for writing the song above. It's called "Four Become One" and it was written by the band, not me. Lisa is a fictional character and I wanted to fit the song into the story some way and "Lisa" writting it was just the way it happened. Thanks. xoxo AlyMay.)**


	7. Drinks

I walked into Starbucks and sat down at a small table.

I waited a few minutes and Alex walked in. He saw me and ran over.

I stood up and held my arms out.

He pulled me into a hug and I started crying.

"Shh, hey, come on, let's get outta here." He whispered.

Alex pulled me outside towards his car. He opened the door and I got in. I know, it's stupid to get in a stranger's car but I trusted Alex. I don't know why but I just felt safe with him.

He got in the car and started it. We started driving towards his house and I tried to stop crying.

We drove in silence for about ten minutes before he pulled into the driveway of a small, white, A-frame house.

Alex walked around the front of the car, opened my door, and held his hand out to me.

I grabbed his hand and stood up, I wasn't really crying now, just shaking uncontrollably.

He led me inside and sat down on the small couch, pulling me next to him.

I cuddled against his chest and cried until I couldn't cry anymore.

It took almost an hour but I finally ran out of tears. I wiped my eyes one final time before Alex asked, "So, Lisa, what's going on?"

"My boyfriend, Casey, committed suicide." I whispered.

"Oh, my god. Lisa, I'm so sorry." He held me close to him.

"And that's why I had been cutting, you know, the night we met. That was when it happened. I found him, some cop talked to me, and then I started walking, found that store, went in the bathroom, cut myself, and then ran into you." I whispered again.

"I'm sorry." He rubbed my back in gentle, soothing circles.

I stopped shaking and cryng but now I felt like complete and utter hell.

"Do you want a drink?" He asked.

I knew what he meant, not water or something but an actual _drink._

I nodded and followed him into the kitchen.

He pulled a few bottles out of the cabinet and poured us two shots of vodka and Redbull.

I downed mine and set the glass back on the counter. I felt the familiar burn in the back of my throat and it made me smile. I missed be able to drink.

We kept doing shot after shot until we'd gone through and entire bottle of Skyy.

I was a little tipsy, not drunk, but I was slurring a little and staggering.

"I just realized something," Alex said, sitting down next to me on the floor.

"Yeah?" I tilted my head to look at him.

"I barely know anything about you." He admitted.

"Well, what do you want to know?"

"Last name?"

"Handler. Yours?"

"Beyers." He said. "Hometown?"

"Dayton, Ohio."

"Really? I've been there. To visit my cousins. It was cool, we always had fun. I wonder why I never saw you."

"Probably because I was never around, I would always be with Casey and the guys or at the library. If I ever got below a B+ my mom would freak out and threaten to throw me out or have me committed. She's in therapy now though." I mumbled.

"Oh. Well, I'm glad we met, even if it was just two days ago." He smiled.

"So, anything else you wanna know?" I asked.

"What's your family like?"

"Um, well, my dad died in 2009, my mom treated me like a convict/psychopath, my brother was complete dick. And no, that's not being harsh, it's being honest. I understand he wanted to protect me but he was overbearing and he would do everything he possibly could to stop me from having fun. It was bullshit." I shrugged.

"What do you mean he was overbearing?"

"I wasn't allowed to do anything. He never accepted the fact that I had a boyfriend and I had a life. I would want to go to the movies with my friends and he would accuse of me of lying and said that I was just going to go sleep with some random guy. So, finally, when I got tired of it, I would sneak out, I would run and hang with Casey, then when I got back my brother would be waiting up and then he would yell at me. I really didn't care all that much so I would do that everyday, it was an endless cycle." I exhaled sharply and looked back at him.

"Wow, that does sound like bullshit. Well, for me, it was hard too, but in a different way. My parents cared but they weren't really around all that much. They would leave randomly but they would call a few times a week, whatever. I took care of my little brother Danny. He was only two years younger than me but I still had to look out for him. I thought I was doing a good job until I got home from school late one day. He'd gone somewhere but I didn't know. I assumed he was staying with a friend or something but I found a note. It was a suicide note. I ended up finding him at a park near our house. He cut himself and he bled out." Alex pinched the bridge of his nose to try to stop the tears.

"Oh, Alex, I'm so sorry." I hugged him tightly.

I leaned closer to him to rest my head against his shoulder and he wrapped his arm around my shoulders.

For the hunredth time in the past day I asked myself, _Lisa, what the hell is wrong with you?_


	8. Black Out

Next thing I know, I'm running. From what, I don't know. But I'm set off in a dead sprint, I felt scared. But what was I scared of?

I was in the woods, it looked familiar, like I'd been there before.

I shook my head and stopped, I looked behind me and there was a man running after me.

I screamed and started running again.

"Get back here, damn it!" The man yelled.

The voice made me start running faster. I pushed myself further and further until I tripped over a tree root. I looked down at my ankle that was throbbing in pain, it was broken, but then I noticed something. I was wearing Barbie shoes.

I touched my head felt that my hair was in a short bob, the last time I wore my hair that way was when I was eight.

I peered in front of me and saw the man catching up.

I tried to stand but I couldn't. I was drained, and my ankle hurt so, so bad.

The man jumped on me and I screamed again.

"Help! Please!" I screamed as loud as I could.

"Shut up!" The man slapped me across the face.

I felt warmth and then blood filled my mouth. The taste made me gag. I spit and kept trying to pull away but I couldn't, the man had the size advantage. I was maybe 60 pounds and he was probably 200. I had no chance of winning this fight.

He started pulling my clothes off and I struggled to get away as I kept screaming.

I knew, what was going on. I _was _eight, I was running from Micheal Schartzer, he was a registered sex offender. He was going to rape me. I obviously didn't want it to happen and I tried so hard to prevent it. But, I'd been stupid and gone into the woods alone. Why had I even gone into the woods?

I felt _pressure_ and I screamed again, "No, please, stop it."

I woke with a start and hit my head off the cold tile floor.

Where was I?

I sat up and looked around. It looked familiar but the memory was blurry.

I looked down at the floor next to me and saw Alex.

"What the-?" I mumbled.

I'd fallen asleep in Alex's arms. I smiled when I noticed how peaceful he looked, I just want to...No, I didn't want to do anything. I had a boyfriend, well, I did. I wasn't ready for another boyfriend yet, was I?

I thought about the dream that caused me to wake up and I started crying.

I stood up and ran to the bathroom, slamming the door behind me.

A few seconds later Alex knocked on the door.

"Lisa, you alright?" He asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine. It's nothing." I didn't sound convincing. I was crying too much.

"Lisa, come out here, please?" He said softly.

I realized that he would listen to me, and talk to me. He would hold me. I wrenched the door open and fell into his chest.

"Whoa. Hey, what's wrong?" He brushed hair out of my face.

"I..had...a really...bad...dream." I managed to say between sobs.

"About what?" He pressed.

"When...I...got...raped."

"What? Oh, my god. Lisa, I'm so sorry." Alex pulled me closer and then lifted me up.

He walked into the living room and we sat down on the couch.

He held me on his lap as I told him about what happened.

Finally, I managed to stop crying. I had run out of tears.

I felt an itching sensation coming from my wrists. I scratched them but it didn't do any good, this itch was coming from the inside. I wanted to cut, no, I _needed _to cut.

_No_, I told myself. _You have to get better. You can't keep doing this._

I felt tired and hungry, I hadn't eaten since yesterday morning.

My stomach growled loudly and I smiled in approval.

"You want something to eat?" Alex offered.

I shook my head. "I'm fine, but thanks. It's okay, really."

I leaned my head against his shoulder and felt my body start going weak. I wasn't going to pass out _here _was I?

I tucked my head against his chest and listened to his heartbeat. Maybe if I ignored the dark cloud it would go away, that worked sometimes, right?

I fought to keep my eyes open but I could feel my mind shutting down along with the rest of my body. The first few times the blackness tried to pull me under I managed to fight my way back up but finally the exhaustion was too much.

I closed my eyes as my body went limp.

My mind was still working but the rest of my body wasn't. I couldn't see anything but black.

_Was this death? Am I going to die right now, while Alex is still holding me? Wasn't death supposed to be painful?_ Question after question ran through my head as I tried and tried to pull myself back into reality. I fought against the dark cloud that was holding me down. I couldn't get up, not now anyways. _At least this isn't painful_, I thought as my mind shut down along with the rest of my body.


	9. Cries and Kisses

"Lisa? Are you awake?" I heard some one ask.

My eyelids fluttered open and I saw Alex. Relief crashed over me as his brown eyes bored into my blue eyes.

"Alex! I'm so happy you're here!" I threw my arms out and he hugged me.

"I'm happy you're awake! I was so scared. I thought I'd lost you." Alex whispered.

"But you barely know me?"

"I know, but, I feel connected to you in some weird way. It's like I know I should probably stay away from you but, I just can't." He grinned.

I blushed and looked down.

He brushed his fingertips across my cheek and I looked up at him.

Alex leaned in but then pulled back.

"I'm sorry, but, you have no idea how much I want to kiss you right now." He laughed lightly.

"Then do it." I said.

His eyes danced with excitement.

He leaned in again but hesitated.

I grabbed his neck and crashed his lips to mine.

I smiled but then stopped. _Am I really doing this? _I asked myself.

Alex's lips moved away from mine and he worked his way down my neck.

I sighed, "Alex, stop, please." I pushed his chest and he backed up a few steps.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

"I'm sorry, that was stupid. It's just too early. I'm really sorry." I said and my lip trembled.

I willed myself not to cry.

"Hey, it's okay. I'm not mad, I understand. You've gone through a lot so it's okay, really." Alex assured me.

"I just, I don't want you to be mad or anything, but I can't do it. I miss Casey so much." I cried.

"Don't cry, Lisa. Please don't cry." He sat down next to me and pulled me into his arms.

I cried into his chest and wrapped my arms around his waist.

"I just want everything to get better." I whispered.

"I know, I know. But it does get better after a while. I promise. I know it's hard now but it will get better." He pulled his fingers through my hair gently and I relaxed after a few minutes.

I leaned back in the bed and stared at the blue wall in front of me.

I let out a slow sigh and wiped left-over tears from my cheeks.

I would get through all of this drama someway. I didn't know how, but I would do it. I had to.

"Alex, I feel horrible." I said.

"You wanna talk about it?" He asked.

"I'm just going through a lot now. I'm anorexic, I cut everyday, my boyfriend is dead, I feel guilty for liking you when I should still be mourning and I just...Ugh! I have no words for how I feel right now." I said a little louder than what was necessary.

"So, you feel confused, upset, guilty, aggravated, scared. I don't think it's possible to feel so much at one time, you'd explode."

I laughed a little. "I feel like I'm about to explode."

"It's gets better. I swear, Lisa. I've been down the same road, sort of. It's hard now but it gets better. You have your friends and family, and you have me." Alex grinned.

"I have you." I sighed.

He kissed me once on the lips and said, "Goodnight, my dearest Lisa."

I smiled and closed my eyes, not sleeping but thinking.

Maybe this could end up being good. But knowing my luck, it's going to come back to slap me in the face, _hard_.


	10. I Want To

I woke up to a dim light filtering through the curtains. I looked around sleepily.

I felt the hunger pains in my stomach and I had to eat, I couldn't fight it anymore.

Walking towards the bedroom door, I felt the phantom itch touch my wrists, I shook my arms rapidly. "No!" I scolded myself.

I opened the door and stepped into the hall.

"What the-?" I said as I nearly tripped.

I looked down and saw Alex laying on the floor.

"Alex, wake up." I cooed.

"What?" He said looking at me.

"You're on the floor. And I had no idea I walking into a stake out." I giggled.

"I wanted to make sure you were okay." He whispered.

I held out my hands to help him up.

I pulled as hard as I could but I was weak.

Alex was able to stand up but my muscles faltered and I fell into his chest.

"Sorry." I said as I tried to step away from him.

"No." He murmered and held my shoulders.

Alex touched his lips to mine and I let him make me forget.

His tongue went into my mouth and we were fully making out.

He pressed me against the wall. I was trapped, in the good way.

"Alex, we should get some food." I pulled away.

He looked at his phone to check the time. "You're right, it's already ten."

He took my hand and pulled me towards the kitchen.

We sat at the breakfast bar and ate scrambled eggs and toast. I finished off my glass of orange juice and automatically started hating myself. Since when did I eat, it was forbidden! Ana said so herself.

I sighed and looked at my stomach, feeling worse as the seconds passed.

I walked into the bathroom and knelt down in front of the toilet.

"Just do it," I told myself. "It'll make everything better."

I inserted my fingers into my throat but nothing happened.

I frowned and tried again, still nothing.

"So, I guess that's out of the question." I washed my hands and walked into the hall.

I had to work out, a lot.

"Alex." I called out.

"Yeah." He stepped into the hall.

"Do you have some clothes I can borrow, like some shorts?" I asked.

"Sure." He grabbed my hand and pulled me into his bedroom.

Alex rummaged around in the closet and pulled out a pair of basketball shorts and a t-shirt.

I put them on, tied a knot in the shirt, and got my tennis shoes out of my bag.

I was lacing up when Alex sat down beside me. "So, what exactly are you doing?"

"Going for a run." I said.

"Oh, I'll go with you." He stated.

"No, I just, I want to go by myself." I said quickly.

"Are you sure?" Alex asked.

"Yeah, I just need a little while to think and stuff." I looked up but didn't meet his eyes.

He nodded and smiled.

I stood up and opened the front door.

Alex quickly pulled me into his arms. I felt the urge to shove him away but I didn't.

I kissed him on the cheek before walking out the door.

I plugged my earphones into my iPod and listened to Lostprophets as I ran down the street.

I sprinted for the length of two Lostprophets cds and jogged the length of two Bring Me The Horizon cds.

My phone rang in my pocket and I pulled it out.

The caller ID showed a picture of TJ.

"Yeah?" I answered.

"Where the hell are you?" TJ asked.

"I'm with a friend." I lied.

"Why?"

"Because I can't stay on that bus, TJ! I can't stay there, where Casey died. I'm so sorry TJ, but, I...I think I have to quit as your manager." I pinched the bridge of my nose.

"What? We're in the middle of a tour!" He yelled.

"I'm so sorry, TJ. I just, I really can't do this anymore. I'm so, so sorry. I know you can never forgive me but you have to understand. I just have to take a break. And you're in no condition to finish the tour." I said.

"Dammit! I'm sorry, and I get it. You can quit if you want but just, don't hurt yourself. And don't feel bad for quitting or anything like that, I can understand, Casey was your boyfriend, almost your fiancee and-"

"Wait, what?" I cut him off.

"Casey wanted to propose. We all knew it, we had to be so careful to make sure you didn't find out." TJ explained.

"But if he wanted to propose then why would he kill himself?" I asked.

"He was depressed, Lisa. You know that better than any of us. He just wanted out, just like you were in high school, always looking for an escape."

"But I would've rather had him turn to drugs than kill himself." I mumbled.

"Yeah, but he obviously didn't want that. You know how he felt about drugs and addictions."

"They disgusted him." I hung my head as tears started leaking from my eyes. "Um, I'm gonna go, I'll call you back later."

"Make sure you do."

"I will." I hung up.

I shoved my phone back into my pocket and slammed my fist into the trunk of the nearest tree. Small pieces of bark when flying and my knuckles immediately split open.

"Fuck." I groaned and pulled my fist to my chest.

I ran back to Alex's house.

Opening the door, I heard music blasting from one of the bedrooms.

I followed the music and poked my head in the door.

"Alex?" I asked.

He was laying on the bed wearing nothing but a pair of basketball shorts.

"Oh, hey, you're back!" He jumped up when he saw me walk in. "What happened to you?"

"A tree." I murmered.

"Come on." He placed his hand on my lower back and led me into the bathroom.

He turned on the cold water and I held my hand under the faucet.

I gritted my teeth against the sting.

After the cuts were clean I dried my hand and Alex wrapped it with a bandage.

"Thanks." I said as I opened and closed my fist.

"No problem. So, did you hit the tree?" He asked.

"Yeah, I hit it hard."

"I noticed." He flashed a small smile.

We walked back into his bedroom and sat indian-style facing each other.

We sat like that for hours, talking, laughing, crying every now and then, but eventually we ended up falling alseep together.

I woke up with my head on Alex's chest and his arm around my shoulders. The clock on the bedside table showed that it was 3:30 p.m.

I yawned and sat up groggily.

Alex was still fast asleep.

I sighed and walked into the living room and called TJ.

"You didn't call." He said when he answered.

"Hello to you too. I'm sorry, I fell asleep. Where are you guys?" I asked.

"Same place you left us."

"You don't have to be so short with me." I said.

"Whatever. What do you want?" He groaned.

"My stuff back, I'll come by today to get my bags." I told him.

"I'll have it ready for you." TJ said.

"Oh, um, thanks." I said taken aback.

"It's not to benefit you." He scoffed before hanging up on me.

"Bitch." I muttered and snapped my phone shut.

"Good afternoon." Alex said from behind me.

I spun around and saw him standing in the doorway. "Hi."

"May I ask who is a bitch, exactly?" He grinned.

"Um, just someone who's supposed to be my best friend but is being rather...well, rude." I frowned.

"Do you want want to take care of him?" Alex offered.

"No, no, it's not his fault really, it's all of the drama, and I've kind of been a bitch to him too. I just don't think there's anyway to save the relationship so I guess I just have to give up on it, you know." I shrugged.

"Are you upset about it? I mean, I know it hurts when you have to give up on someone, when you have to completely cut that person out of your life."

"I am. With everything going on, Alex, I just..." I stopped talking when I nearly said what I'd been trying to deny for years.

"You just?" He prodded.

"I want to die."


	11. AndBAM! There's The Punch

"Damn it, Lisa, never say that. Please, never say you want to die. Never even think it!" Alex said and grabbed my shoulders.

"But it's the truth." I whispered without meeting his eyes.

"Lisa, never say that. Because no matter how bad things get, they can always get better, always." Alex took my face in his hands and forced me to meet his eyes.

"Always?" I asked.

"Always, I promise."

I wrapped my arms around Alex's waist and rested my head on his shoulder.

He held me as close to him as possible.

"I just want everything to be okay." I mumbled.

"I know, I know. But, Lisa, I'm not gonna promise that everything will be okay, because I can't be sure. But, as long as you stay with me, as long as you trust me and believe me, I can try to make it okay, to make you feel better." Alex told me.

"Thank you." I tightened my arms around Alex and my tears stopped.

"Better?" He asked.

"Yeah, a little." I ran a shaky hand through my hair and sighed.

"Good. So, what do you want to do today?"

"Well, first we should go and get my stuff, and afterward we can go to a movie or to the mall or something." I offered.

"Sure, whatever you want."

I grinned and sighed when my cell phone started ringing.

"Hello?" I answered.

"You're leaving us?" Eron asked.

"Oh, I'm so sorry Eron, but you have to forgive me. You're my best friend but I just can't stay on that bus. Maybe some day I can be back on tour with you guys but not now." I explained.

"I hope you can, you're still my baby sister." I could almost hear his smile.

"And you're still my imaginary big brother." I grinned again.

"I'll miss you, Li-Li." Eron said, using my old nickname.

"I'll miss you too, Ronnie." I hung up and stuffed my phone back into my pocket.

I felt the urge to cry but I didn't. I didn't want to cry anymore, I just wanted to move past everything. _Everything will be fine, everything will get better, _I thought to myself.

"What are you thinking so hard about?" Alex asked.

"Huh?" My head snapped up.

"What are you thinking about? You're just...off in your own little world." Alex said, making a strange hand gesture.

"Oh, I don't know really, just kind of out of it, I guess. I'm still sort of...confused. Yeah, confused, that works, sort of." I rambled.

Alex laughed lightly, "You definitely seem confused."

"Yeah." I said quietly.

My phone rang again and I groaned.

The caller ID said "TJ."

"Motherfucker." I said and was tempted to hit ignore, but I didn't.

"What?" I answered.

"When the fuck are you gonna get your shit? I wanna get the fuck out of here!" He shouted.

"Goddammit, TJ. Do you ever shut up? I will be there as soon as I fucking can! I have other things I need to do too." I screamed back.

"Like what? You don't have a job anymore." He sneered.

"Oh, fuck you, asshole!" I yelled and hung up.

I nearly threw my phone on the floor and stomped it with my foot, but I didn't.

"Does that fucker need to get punched in the throat?" Alex asked.

"Yes. But I'm not letting you get arrested. Because, believe me, TJ would press charges."

"I don't care. He's obviously being a dick and I don't know him but he's already pissing me off."

"I know, I know. Can you drive me to the House Of Blues to get my bags?" I asked.

"Yeah, totally, come on." Alex grabbed my hand and led me to the car.

I got in and so did Alex. We blasted Hollywood Undead and I sang along.

As soon as we pulled up to the bus TJ stepped outside.

When I saw him my temper flared.

I got out of the car and Alex followed close behind me.

"Where's my shit?" I asked.

"On your bunk."

I hurried onto the bus and grabbed my four bags.

"No!" Eron and Matt hugged me tightly.

"I'm sorry, guys, but I have to do this. I love you both, and I'm gonna miss you, but I can't stay here. I'll stay in touch, alright." I kissed them both on the cheek and smiled.

"Bye." They waved as I stepped off the bus.

Alex and TJ were talking, oh no.

"So, you're her friend?" TJ asked Alex.

"Yes." Alex's voice was strained, he was obviously trying to keep his temper under control.

"Are you more than friends?"

"I don't know." Alex shrugged and dropped his guard momentarilly.

"Well, I don't like you." TJ nodded.

"Frankly, I don't give a fuck if you like me or not, because, well, I already hate you." Alex shrugged again, this time it was more cocky.

"Why?" TJ almost looked hurt.

"Because, you hurt Lisa."

"Wow, you are such a bitch." TJ laughed to himself.

"Motherfucker." I mumbled.

I threw my bags into the car and advanced on TJ.

"No, TJ! You're the bitch. You're selfish, stuck up, cocky, stupid, and totally fucking ungrateful." I said and got right in his face.

He shoved me.

I stumbled back a few steps and before I could do anything, Alex had TJ on the ground. I closed my eyes but then opened them, and I saw Alex's fist connect with TJ's face. Of course, you tell the boy not to hit someone, and what does he do? He hit's someone!

"Alex, stop." I tried to pull him off. "That's enough."

He kept punching him.

I put my hand on his shoulder and lightly said, "Alex, honey, it's okay, you can stop now."

He looked up at me and stood up, "Let's go home."

I grabbed his hand and we got in the car and drove off.

"That was impressive." I complimented. "TJ's way bigger than you, yet you totally fucked him up."

Alex blushed and I brushed my hand across his red cheeks, that made him blush harder.

He turned his head and kissed my palm.

I smiled and lowered my hand.

"Hey, you wanna go to Starbucks?" Alex asked.

"Sure, I could use a hot chocolate." I smiled again.

"You're like a little kid." He laughed.

"Yes, that is true, but so are you."

"That rhymed."

"You know what they say about people who rhyme inadvertently..."

"That they're extremely intelligent?" He asked.

"No, that they're fans of the Green Bay Packers." I laughed.

"Oh fuck, that's not good." He laughed too.

"No, not good at all." We smiled at each other, you know, one of those cheesy soap opera smiles.

It was stupid but sweet and I couldn't help but giggle.

Alex took my hand and kissed it, "My girl."

I blushed deep red, I was really starting to fall for Alex.


End file.
